Does Conflict Really Hurt Kids?

When I first meet with parents who are considering using parent coordination services I typically emphasize that parents who are in constant conflict with each other are very likely to do harm to their children. I tell them that, generally speaking, for young children, regardless of whether they understand the content of parents’ arguments they will experience the hostile environment that is created when their parents are cold and distant or outwardly tense and conflictual; and that for older children the content of parents’ arguments are likely to be very disturbing, as is the tone and atmosphere that accompanies parental conflict.

And this, I believe, is pretty much true. But nothing is universally true, and there are, indeed, children who are able to “tune out” or otherwise survive quite well despite a good deal of “background noise”.  While I am usually skeptical when parents tell me that their children “don’t know what’s going on,” or have tuned them out, it certainly does happen. But even for those children I believe there is actually a more subtle potential for damage, which has to do with ways in which parents’ failure to communicate – or only to communicate in the most hostile and angry manner – can have an enormous effect.

I recently came upon a report of a 2006 study in which the investigators interviewed and observed more than 200 families on two occasions one year apart. The families each had a child who was approximately six years old.  The results of the study was quite interesting in that it reinforced some things that even casual observers already understand.  For example, they observed that conflict usually results in both parents being more unavailable to each other.  Moreover, the more hostile and withdrawn the parents were the more they were likely to have strong disagreements about child rearing.  No surprise here. But what was quite telling was that when these parents disagreed on issues of child rearing mothers tended to be more unavailable to the fathers than the fathers were to the mothers, and fathers became more inconsistent in their disciplinary practices, whereas mothers remained relatively consistent. 

Though of course we can’t draw any firm conclusions as to why the fathers became more inconsistent but I do have a thought about this, as did the authors of the study. A common complaint that I hear in my work, most often from mothers, and most often from mothers who have the primary care of kids, is that the fathers make unwise parental decisions, don’t take care of basic needs, and don’t do the parenting work that should be done when they are with their children. Quite frankly, I think these moms are most often correct in their assessments. And certainly, there are times when it’s quite fair--and even an understatement--to say that fathers should be more diligent in the child rearing that they do, and less either self- absorbed or distracted when they are with their kids. 

But the authors of this study make an observation that I have also considered and it’s one that both mothers and fathers need to take seriously, and that is one of the elements in separation and divorce that calls out for the intervention of parent coordination. They write:  “Given that fathers’ roles may be less socially scripted, perhaps the effects of marital conflict on greater child rearing disagreements makes it more difficult for fathers to utilize and solicit mothers’ input on discipline practices and results in greater use of inconsistent discipline techniques by fathers experiencing marital distress”.  In simpler terms, what they’re saying is that if they can’t check in with Mom – or if the conflict is such that there’s no real access to getting Mom’s input – then Dad’s knowledge and ability in maintaining proper discipline, or just simply doing appropriate child-rearing is going to be impacted, particularly with young children for whom more hands-on care is called for.

So…a little sexist, perhaps?  Ought men be taken off the hook so easily?  Are women the only source of effective parenting?  I think the notion “that [gender] roles may be…socially scripted” is what is in play here.  For parenting may very well be “political.” The notion that “the personal is political” (a feminist credo popularized by Carol Hanisch in a 1969 essay) certainly is a factor in many a marital break-up and it gets played out even more dramatically in post-separation child-rearing when fathers are deemed “clueless” and mothers are labeled “controlling.”   So post-break-up conflict takes on a battle-of-the-sexes flavor, thus rendering it even more complicated and resistant to change.  What’s necessary, then, is a re-focus on the conflict and an understanding that as long as it continues good child-rearing will suffer.