Divorce and Young Children

I recently received a terrific kit from Sesame Workshop, which is the educational organization responsible for Sesame Street  and The Electric Company and which produces many valuable programs for families and children.

I am now able to provide this kit, "Little Children/BIG Challenges: Divorce" to parents I'm working with.  It's a multi-media packet which includes a parents' guide, a storybook for young children, and a video--and it is a beautiful piece of work. It can also be accessed at www.sesamestreet.org/divorce.

It's a given, of course, that children see the world through a different lens from adults and that their understanding about divorce depends onn where they are developmentally.  Young children may not fully grasp the meaning or finality of separation and divorce, much like the way they are not yet developmentally prepared to accept the finality of death.  What they know, of course, is that their parents are angry, or upset, or not acting in ways they are familiar with and that they are not together under the same roof.

Young children's feeling of loss and sorrow can often be expressed through anger or by attacking the parent whom they may may blame for the separation--often the parent who leaves the home. Similar to adults who suffer loss or who are depressed, children often turn their anger inward and become depressed or withdrawn, demonstrating behavioral symptoms socially, at school, or at home.  It is not uncommon for young children to fear being abandoned by their noncustodial parent or to worry about the loss--or even death--of the custodial parent.  Wondering what will happen to them or "what will happen to us?"--is not uncommon, even for the youngest of children.

 

    

 

[the caption may be hard to read: "Daddy, can I stop worrying now?]

           

 

 In addition, kids may have heard parents arguing and frequently it is the children who are the subjects of these arguments.  Lacking the sophistication to understand the nuances of these disputes they may blame themselves for the separation or divorce.  Perhaps if they'd behaved better, or not made trouble for them, their parents would not have split up.  Young children are quite naturally self-centered and thus may feel responsible for many things that are obviously (to adults) out of their control.  A young child may express the "secret" that he wished, in the midst of some unpleasantness, that Daddy would go away and now that parent is gone!  And of course he is responsible because it is his wish that made his father leave.

In the face of these difficulties for young children there is much that parents can do.  By encouraging their children to share questions and concerns about the divorce they provide an opportunity for the child to directly confront feelings and fears rather than acting them out in unwholesome way.   The "Little Children/BIG challenges: divorce" program I described above offers many suggestions for activities that parents can use with their young children. 

Further, it is important that parents simply set the time aside regularly to offer reassurance to their kids that both parents understand and love them.  They are divorcing each other, but not their children.