I decided it would be helpful to link a blog to my website www.westchesterparentcoordination.org in order to comment occasionally on subjects that I felt would interest colleagues, patients and clients.

Many professionals are often compelled to share thoughts and observations that are stimulated by the interactions we have with people with whom we work.  In my office I have a collection of ducks which I am always working to keep in a straight row.  I've gathered them wherever I've traveled, some of the kids I've treated have given me a few, and one my Mother even made in a crafts class many years ago.  Some are quite tiny, all of them of different sizes; some are delicate and lovely, others roughly-hewn folk carvings. 

Not too long ago a ten-year-old, whose parents are involved in a terribly ugly divorce, asked if she could take them off the shelf and try to put them in a different kind of row on the coffee table.  I'm usually reluctant (Don't touch my ducks!) but it seemed like she had something important in mind.  She started rearranging them and tried to get them to sit easily in a row—not an easy task (there are about 30 of them). 

She had a lot of trouble getting them to stand where she wanted them and some ducks knocked over others, some ducks "just didn't go" where she wanted them.  It launched us into a discussion of how very hard it is to get one's ducks in a row.  She’d never heard the phrase before and she loved it!  “That’s it!” she exclaimed, “my parents can’t get their ducks in a row.”  

So it is, of course, in life—something we all learn—hopefully—as we experience some of life’s challenges: just when you think you've got those ducks where you want them...

It’s particularly true for folks facing the break-up of marriage when the welfare of their children is suddenly a constant factor in every aspect of their deliberations over how their divorce will play out.  And it’s a commonplace that divorce is a nightmare (how many times have I heard that word mentioned in my office?!), not only for the parents, but particularly for the children. 

 

But increasingly, we have learned that this need not be the case.  Children don’t have to be caught hopelessly in the middle of a tug-of-war.  For sure, children exposed to high levels of emotional conflict and distress are not going to fare well.  But that is no less true for kids in intact families.  

Research from Iowa State University a few years ago (and from a growing body of other research as well) demonstrates strong evidence that parents no longer living together in the home have a great deal of control over children's adjustment to the break-up of the family.  This research reinforces our observation that divorced parents can substantially reduce the probability that their children will experience developmental difficulty by continuing effective parenting and avoiding hostile exchanges.  It is not always easy but it can be done.  Parenting coordination is one effective method for helping parents to do this.

In future blogs I am intending to address topics related to good parenting after divorce and examine, as well, some of the more contentious issues that face parents as they navigate these often-rough waters.